THE BATTLE OF SWINLEY FOREST (12.10.2022)

The most recent winners of titles on two of the world’s main tours celebrated their wins with a match at Swinley Forest in perfect conditions last Sunday afternoon. Ryan Fox, winner of the Dunhill Links Championship on the DP World (formerly European) Tour, faced off against Andrew Martin and Sam Elworthy, winners of, respectively, the Open Championship and Masters on the 2022 Brown Jackets Tour. The match pitted Elworthy and Martin’s best ball against Fox’s single ball, with the world number 25 ranked players - who plays off +6 against amateurs - giving the Brown Jacketeers 10 strokes each. On the 1st, the BJ duo were straight into dovetail mode with Martin’s two snap hooked drives resulting in a blob, but Elworthy’s steady par (with a shot) winning the hole. The plucky amateurs were not so lucky on holes 2 to 6, as Fox’s prodigious length (even by 'Looper' Beaumont's standards) lead to a succession of two-putt pars and birdies which left the Te Arai Links professional 2 up. But how the tables turned around the, ahem, turn. Martin’s par on the no. 1 stroke hole 7th, an Elworthy par on 8, a pair of pars on 9 and Martin’s bogey on the 227 yard par 3 10th (with a shot), gave the BJ pairing a run of four holes won on the trot. Two up on the 11th tee, Martin and Elworthy slammed two superb drives touching 300 yards down the fairway and were sniffing glory. But the golf gods never favour hubris. Fox stepped up and duly drove the green. A stress-free two-putt birdie saw Fox halve the deficit. A fourball of Swinley members watching from the nearby 12th tee, obviously star-struck, let the elite trio play through and the scene was set for a dash to the finish line in fading light. Holes 12 to 16 saw some scrappy play from both teams, with honours even by the 16th. A tricky, medium length par 4, Fox’s 2 iron off the tee more than matched the Martin/Elworthy drives. All three players made the green, but, with Fox failing to convert for birdie, the Brown Jacket duo made the most of their stroke to go one up. Hole 17 is a classic Swinley par 3 and it proved beyond all three players as the hole was halved in bogeys. However, 14 year old Freddie Elworthy showed his more illustrious playing partners how it’s done with a straightforward par. So, dormie on the 18th tee, and Fox once again out-drove Elworthy and Martin by at least 40 yards. However, drawing on their experience playing in the pressure cooker of a combined 31 years of Brown Jackets tours, the two 47 year olds piled the pressure on their younger rival by both reaching the green in two. This left Fox knowing that he had to either hole out from the fairway or rely on his opponents three-putting (odds on) to halve the match. His approach was close, but not in, allowing both Martin and Elworthy to (relatively) calmly two-putt for the win. A fine match, played in wonderful surroundings. An elated Elworthy, commenting after the match, reflected on the bucket-list experience of playing with New Zealand’s finest ball striker, and Ryan Fox. The prestige of the encounter has since been confirmed, with Fox rising two places to a career-high 23rd in Monday’s updated world rankings.

 

ZORIN'S TRUE ROOTS EXPOSED (11.10.2022)

After agreeing to take part in the BBC's genealogy documentary Who Do You Think You Are? in an attempt to discover why the prospect of golfing for several days with a bunch of mostly middle-aged men always brings tears to his eyes, Max Zorin perhaps learned more than he had bargained for. Born in Dresden around the end of the Second World War, Zorin later escaped East Germany and moved to France where he became a leading businessman, operating on the microchip market. However, it has now been revealed that Zorin was the product of national socialist medical experimentation during World War II, authorised by fellow Brown Jacketeer Ricardo 'Adolf' Hall, in which pregnant women were injected with massive quantities of steroids in an attempt to create 'super-children'. Most of the pregnancies failed; the few surviving babies, including Zorin, grew to become extraordinarily intelligent - but also psychopathic and unusually prone to weeping.

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PORTSALON TAMED BY ELEPHANT WRESTLER AND CLAW (01.10.2022)

After an absence of several years, returning elephant wrestling tourist Neil 'Hobbo' Hobson, together with his partner Sam 'The Claw' Elworthy, scored 40 stableford points to win the Masters by two shots from Big Al Alcott and his caddie 'Looper' Beaumont. After a strong opening hole on which his partner failed to score, Hobson then had a nap under a gorse bush for the next 9 holes, before re-entering the fray on the 11th and then playing some very tidy golf on the way in. With at least 2 points secured on 17 holes and no blobs on the card, Hobson and Elworthy defied the apparent lack of confidence in them - as evidenced by the second lowest bid in the auction - and dovetailed to perfection. The relatively low winning score was perhaps a reflection of the testing conditions, with a firm three-club breeze challenging the players throughout. Elworthy now joins DB as the most victorious player in the history of the Brown Jackets with 6 wins, although DB's greater number of Masters victories (four versus Elworthy's three) means that he retains top spot in the BJs Hall of Fame.

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STATUE STANDS FIRM TO SECURE OPEN WIN AT BRUTAL ST PATRICK'S (30.09.2022)

In what can only be described as the toughest conditions known on tour for many years (well, at least since the Open last year at Machrihanish Dunes), Andy 'The Statue' Martin nursed his ball round the daunting and staggeringly difficult St Patrick's Links at Rosapenna to secure victory in the Open by two shots. On a day where some failed even to reach double figures and the wind howled relentlessly around the enormous sand dunes, Martin’s statuesque posture allowed him to stay firmly rooted to the ground, as others around him simply blew away. His winning score of 29 stableford points might be one of the lowest in Open history, but it is also one of the most impressive. Andy proudly took receipt of not only the Open trophy, but also the long lost pirate belt which he chose to wear for the remainder of the tour as a bandolier...  Congratulations Andy!

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BUGGY IS BACK (16.09.2022)

They say that Ireland holds a special pull for golfers. Well this certainly seems to be true for our 2022 tour as Rosapenna has not only pulled heavyweight Max Zorin back into the BJs orbit, but it will also see the long awaited return of Graham 'Buggy' Barr. Rumour has it that, after winning three Masters in an embarrassingly short period of time, Buggy decided to step back to allow others a chance. However, in late 2021 after hearing that his younger brother had moved ahead with four Masters titles, he quietly put down his bacon roll, retired from work and walked straight to the driving range muttering “we’ll see about that….”. This rumour has not been confirmed by any actual sightings of Buggy on a golf course. Regardless, it seems that the previous Buggy strategy of playing the most horrific golf during the Open to draw some handicap sympathy may not fly in 2022. As everyone knows by now, you can fool the BJ committee three times in a row, but by the fourth time they’ve generally got their shit together……. Welcome back Buggy!

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THE RACE TO DONEGAL (11.09.2022)

With the FedEx Cup decided, this year’s Korn Ferry graduates having received their PGA Tour cards and the Presidents Cup team selections made, the eyes of the golfing world now turn towards the Home Counties of England (via the Wirral) as the members of the famed Brown Jackets tour finalise their preparations ahead of this year’s event in County Donegal, Ireland. 

Most interest is focussed on the runners and riders walking the tightrope between the low and high handicap pots for the Brown Jackets Masters draw - and what an unusually crowded cusp it is this year. Three players - Neil Hobson (9.9), Jono Shorrock (9.9) and Finbar Saunders (10.6) - are within touching distance of the final slot in the hallowed low pot. Three more - Bangkok Julio (9.3), Adolf Hall (11.4) and Vix Uren (11.5) - could quite conceivably upset the apple cart depending on their activities over the next fortnight. What makes the battle all the more interesting is that, while all players are clearly working feverishly on their handicaps, it is anyone's guess whether that effort is in the pursuit of going higher or lower. What we do know is that, in the cases of Bangkok Julio and Hobson at least, their handicap records show a sudden spike in recent activity after having laid dormant for months. We will keep a close watch on developments as the days tick by. At the other end of the spectrum, the most startling performance has been from Ian 'Looper' Beaumont. Clearly with an eye on winning a trophy for the first time as a player, rather than as a caddie, Beaumont has been tearing up fairways around the world, with a flurry of almost unbelievably low scores resulting in his handicap plummeting to a career low 3.6. With a penalty shot still applying from being on the bag for the Baby Faced Assassin’s 2020 Masters win, Beaumont is not making things easy for himself - but, as so many times in the past, he may again benefit from a favourable draw. Only time will tell...

 

MAX ZORIN RETURNS (26.08.2022)

Having turned down his invitation to rejoin the tour last year so that he could attend the christening of his goddaughter (the child of close friend Mayday), Max Zorin, known by many as Christopher Walken and affectionately by his close friends as 'Little G', looks set to make his comeback after an absence of 20 (yes, you read that correctly, 20) years. Rumours abound that he has been a daily visitor to his local driving range, often staying until after the sun has set as he hones his unique technique. Whether or not he has yet told his wife Claudia that he is going on tour this year remains a mystery, although the bookies have him down as a 'dead cert' to attend. Habitual tourists will be expecting big things from him this year, both on and off the golf course, and many will be rubbing their hands in anticipation of a second pair of velvet Royal St George's slippers on tour this year. Welcome back Max!

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BJs HALL OF FAME (24.08.2022)

BJs historian and self-confessed golf nerd Andy Martin has been busy over the winter compiling a new BJs Hall of Fame which includes all victories since records began in 1995. The rankings are based simply on total number of victories, whether Masters or Open, with the higher number of Masters victories trumping in the event of a tie. Congratulations to DB on being our current no. 1 ranked player. Thank you Andy for this valuable contribution.

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BILLY BANTER BOY SHOCK WITHDRAWAL (19.07.2022)

The Brown Jackets golfing community has once again been rocked to its core by the withdrawal (for the third year running) of tour stalwart and Purbeck hero Billy 'The Whiz' Dolman from this year's tour. Whilst rumours abound that his fast approaching 50th birthday has caused him to take stock and lead a more sedentary lifestyle, he has blamed his absence on the fact that he has to head off on some retreat with a bunch of US lawyers... After three consecutive missed tours, Billy will have to curry a lot of favour with some of the tour stalwarts in order to receive an invitation back next year. (Note: this is basically the same news story as a year ago...)

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DANGEROUS DAVE GUIDES HOME THE GROWLER TO SECURE VICTORY (18.09.2021)

Having never won anything on tour until last year, it came as a surprise to some when the Baby Faced Assassin, together with his partner 'Looper' Beaumont, mounted a very admirable defence to their 2020 Masters victory by scoring an impressive 45 stableford points on a benign day on the Championship course at Machrihanish Golf Club. However, they hadn't reckoned on Dangerous Dave Barr and his partner, Ness 'The Growler' Packham, hitting a hot streak on the home stretch, with both players dovetailing to perfection. It all came down to the final hole, with DB holing an anxious 12 foot putt for birdie. DB now tops the new BJs Hall of Fame as the most victorious player in the history of the Brown Jackets, with 6 wins to his name, whilst Vanessa secured her first victory since her debut in 2004.

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EL MEL SECURES MAIDEN OPEN WIN (17.09.2021)

Following his concession to Finbar Saunders in a flurry of late blobs at the 2020 Open at Goswick Links, Tomas 'El Mel' Melville secured his maiden Open victory with a fine performance on a windy, rain-soaked day at Machrihanish Dunes. It was not a day for the faint-hearted as torrential rain fell for most of the day, with many competitors lacking the motivation to restart after stopping for lunch in the clubhouse halfway round. However, El Mel seemed oblivious to the conditions, putting together an impressive round of 38 stableford points. Having managed to avoid spraying it off the tee all day, he more than made up for it when it came to the time-honoured ritual of drinking from the trophy, with a large puddle of liquid, reminiscent of the fairways earlier in the day, forming at his feet. Congratulations Tomas!

 

UNFAVOURABLE WEATHER FORECAST LEADS TO LAST MINUTE WITHDRAWALS (14.09.2021)

The unfavourable weather forecast for Machrihanish during this year's tour has seen a flurry of last minute withdrawals from both Hobbo (never quite adjusted to the UK climate) and longtime tourist Big Al. Both will be missed. In an unexpected turn of events, Finbar Saunders' hip replacement has not yet 'bedded in' properly, leading to a last minute dash to the doctor for painkillers in the hope that he will, at best, be able to make it round Machrihanish Dunes in a buggy on Friday. However, fellow tourists can expect a big performance from Saunders off the course after his bold statement, "My main hope is just to be able to come for the lash". So no nipping off to bed early for Saunders this year...

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CARLOW C**TS! (12.08.2021)

In yet another twist of fate straight out of the Dave Dolman DQ story book, Finbar Saunders today won the Carlow Amateur Open in Ireland, destroying a talented field of 150 competitors by two shots. Or so he thought... Finishing his 5 ½ round in the closing evening gloom with the clubhouse more or less abandoned for the day, he entered his score on the club computer provided but couldn't figure out where to post his actual scorecard. Despite calling the following day and emailing over a photo of the scorecard, he was duly disqualified. When asked to comment, he replied with one word: "C**ts!". Whilst this was of course a bitter pill to swallow for someone who is fast becoming a serial winner of provincial opens, the BJs handicap committee will be taking this latest victory into consideration when it meets next month. They will also be looking into as yet unfounded allegations that Saunders' failure to post his scorecard was a deliberate attempt to prevent a further reduction in his handicap prior to the BJs.

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CRASH HELMETS RECOMMENDED (11.08.2021)

In recent years, following intense lobbying from medical experts, the governing bodies of other major sports (primarily professional rugby and football) have started taking action in an attempt to protect their athletes from blows to the head. But shockingly scant regard has, to date, been paid to the very similar risks faced by amateur golfers dancing to the Killers at 1am in a cramped hotel room. Change is, at long last, on the way. It took a sickening, but thankfully not permanent, injury to one of amateur golf's greatest dancers for authorities to act. After Kerri "Boss of the Moss" Beaumont suffered concussion and suspected fractured orbital socket in the early hours of her birthday last year following an unfortunately timed clash of heads (ironically, witnesses reported that the accident occurred at the precise moment the tinny iPhone speakers implored the gathering to "Open up my eeeea-ger eyes"), safety measures have now been put in place for the 2021 edition of the Brown Jackets, principal amongst which will be a requirement to deploy 70s and 80s slick disco moves rather than 90s moshing when in a confined space. All BJs tourists are, however, reminded that the world of extreme sports (amongst which BJs foot-tapping sits in the top echelon) remains inherently dangerous. Crash helmets are recommended.

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SELF-ISOLATION LEADS TO SHORTAGE OF BJs WEBSITE CONTRIBUTORS (11.08.2021)

A recent spate of 'pings' has lead to our usual panel of contributors having to isolate at home over recent weeks, leading to a severe shortage of content for our home page. However, take a look at the 2021 Tour page to get a flavour of things to come...

 

OH DEAR GEORGE (05.08.2021)

Following a significant softening on its stance of recent years, the Committee took the exceptional decision to invite George Hartley back on tour. The prospect of a recall has been on the back burner for a number of years, ever since George turned on the tears at the Fatboys' Lunch a number of years ago, recanting his previous comment that the Brown Jackets was "effectively a stag weekend with a bit of golf thrown in". How times change; with his own rival tour now incorporating a bridge evening into their itinerary, George had decided that he wasn't quite ready for his pipe and slippers yet (even though he does actually own both a pipe and a pair of monogrammed velvet slippers). Shock horror, therefore, when he turned down the invitation in favour of a goddaughter's christening. Last chance saloon springs to mind...

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BILLY BANTER BOY SHOCK WITHDRAWAL (26.03.2021)

The Brown Jackets golfing community has once again been rocked to its core by the withdrawal (for the second year running) of tour stalwart and Purbeck hero Billy 'The Whiz' Dolman from this year's tour following the recent announcement that he has sold his soul to US law firm Latham & Watkins. Whilst rumours abound that he may have taken the new job to avoid the journey to Machrihanish (he described it as "too much of a slep [sic] for me"), another excuse he has used is that his eldest daughter starts school on the Friday. Even though the school term actually starts the week before... After two consecutive missed tours, Billy may have to curry favour with some of the tour stalwarts in order to receive an invitation back next year.

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LOOPER BEAUMONT SEEKS HALL OF FAME INDUCTION (20.09.2020)

Calls were growing louder yesterday for Ian “Looper” Beaumont to be inducted into the Caddies' Hall of Fame. Despite 20 years of trying, Beaumont has yet to win a major trophy under his own steam, but there can be no denying his place in history as the consummate “number two”. On Saturday at Goswick Links, Northumberland, the veteran bag man Beaumont registered his fourth Masters win as he assisted long time Masters nearly-man, Jono Shorrock, to a hugely popular maiden victory. The achievement moves Beaumont past the three Masters victories that Jim “Bones” Mackay enjoyed on the bag of Phil Mickelson and draws the Riviera resident level with New Zealand’s second-most famous sportsman, Steve Williams, on four Masters titles. Williams has hung up the bag since his final Masters bow alongside Adam Scott in 2012, and while Beaumont has often made loud noises about retirement, he has yet to make good on those promises, meaning that the tally of five Masters titles that Augusta legend Willie Peterson secured in the employ of Jack Nicklaus, remains firmly within Beaumont’s sights. The calls to honour Beaumont were, however, cast into doubt in the immediate aftermath of Shorrock’s win, with Beaumont breaching etiquette by publicly demanding an unprecedented 50% cut of the winner’s purse (despite the fact that he has only ever taken the standard 10% caddy's cut when it comes to downing the coveted chalice). There was little surprise, however, when Shorrock graciously agreed to share the spoils with his less than faithful assistant, thereby ensuring that the combination will return to defend Shorrock’s title in 2021.

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JOURNEYMAN JONO FINALLY BREAKS DUCK (19.09.2020)

After 478 attempts, Jono Shorrock, aka the Baby Faced Assassin, finally won the Brown Jacket Masters to complete his first every victory on tour. Shorrock admitted that the lowest point of his Brown Jackets career came when he realised, following the withdrawal of Big Bad Barry, that everyone else on tour this year had won either the Open or the Masters, a situation exacerbated when he realised he had been partnered with Baggio Beaumont. “It took a lot of guts for me to even come on tour this year. I wasn’t there to make friends — although I did and it was great — but it was purely get my head down, get the job done and back to where I felt like I belong. I knew there was unfinished business out there and I’m just pleased that I proved I can do it. I loved it down the stretch. I hit the shots when I needed to and that’s a huge confidence boost going forwards. Who knows? Maybe it’s like buses. None come around for ages and then two come along in quick succession." As it turned out, Baggio Beaumont proved to be a more than capable partner, confirming once more that he can win anything when paired with someone as red hot as Jono.

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MELVILLE CHOKE SEES SAUNDERS WIN THE OPEN (18.09.2020)

It wasn’t Jean Van de Velde, there was no winding burn, no ridiculous ricochet, no dumbfounded Frenchman standing in shin-deep water watching the claret jug flow away with the tide, but that won’t make the wound heal any faster. In a flurry of late blobs, Tomas 'El Mel' Melville went from a four-stroke favourite on a victory lap to a forlorn loser stunned by blows self-inflicted and otherwise. Within 45 minutes on a calm sunny day at Goswick Links, the 2016 winner of the Brown Jacket Masters, who had played superb golf for 14 holes, blobbed the last four holes to finish a stroke (to two?) behind Open champion Finbar Saunders. Not since Van de Velde in 1999 at Carnoustie has a claret jug been ripped so ruthlessly from a champion’s grasp, and not since Tom Watson in 2009 at Turnberry has there been such a collective pang for an also-ran. “It may not have sunk in yet,” said El Mel. “Hopefully I will be able to move on.” Credit must go to Finbar Saunders for putting together a half decent round, although he was more than a little surprised when news filtered through that he was the new Open champion. "I won it with 31 points? Fuck me," said Saunders.

 

FURTHER WITHDRAWALS AS COVID JITTERS TAKE HOLD (16.09.2020)

Never in the (recent) history of the Brown Jackets has one of the previous year's winners failed to defend their title. Until 2020, that is. News just in that last year's multiple winner, Chlöe Stellini, has withdrawn from this year's tour, leaving her 2019 Masters partner, Andy Martin, partnerless. Similarly, Sheikh bin Koster, the bookies' favourite for this year's Herd/Worrall trophy, has also withdrawn, with both him and Stellini citing poor diary management and covid concerns as the reason. The only upside of these withdrawals is that it reduces the risk of either trophy being successfully defended, at least not by Stellini, although the assembled pack are all champing at the bit to have the 'in form' Martin as their running mate, even off his new handicap of +2.

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BILLY BANTER BOY SHOCK WITHDRAWAL (13.09.2020)

The Brown Jackets golfing community has been rocked to its core by the last minute withdrawal of tour stalwart and Purbeck hero Billy 'The Whiz' Dolman from this year's tour following the recent announcement that he has contracted Covid-19. Whilst rumours abound that he may have been deliberately infected by the only 2020 participant never to have won anything in a deliberate attempt to weaken the field, one fellow member remarked that the last time Billy withdrew at the eleventh hour it ended up being the best tour ever! Another wag suggested that he should still come because he hits is so far into the bundi that he would effectively spend most of the tour self-isolating anyway... He will, of course, be greatly missed and we wish him a speedy recovery.

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FAN FAVOURITE NEARLY-MAN FACING QUARANTINE TRAVEL BAN (06.09.2020)

As preparations continue for the 2020 edition of the Brown Jackets, the event has been rocked by the news that fan favourite and plucky nearly-man, Baz Clark, may be forced to withdraw from the event due to quarantine restrictions currently imposed on travellers arriving into the UK from France. Tour organisers and sponsors remain hopeful of a last minute reprieve for the dashing Scot, with insiders suggesting a solution may lie in the location for the 2020 Tour (Bamburgh Castle, Northumberland). The Committee has instructed its powerhouse legal team to present papers to the Home Office for an urgent determination, arguing that, if government adviser Dominic Cummings was allowed to travel to Barnard Castle to test his eyesight in May, then Our Man in Monaco should be allowed to travel to nearby Bamburgh Castle to test his 3 wood in September. A decision is awaited.

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COVID COMPLIANCE (05.09.2020)

Committee members have today concluded their consultation with the NHS and Her Majesty's Government which will ensure that all necessary measures are in place for the 2020 Brown Jackets Tour to take place in compliance with current restrictions. Closely following Government guidelines, this year's organisers will be providing provide scant and conflicting details to participants in due course. They have also agreed to leverage the international reach of the year's second Major in an effort to support the Government's pandemic public safety messaging. At the personal suggestion of Prime Minister Boris Johnson, all 2020 tour branding and merchandise will carry the slogan: "Whilst enjoying your BJs, please make space, cover face and wash hands".

 

STELLINI SECURES THE COVETED 'DOUBLE' (21.09.2019)

For only the second time in the history of the Brown Jackets, the winner of the Open went on to win the Masters. Chlöe Stellini, partnering the much fancied and 'rock steady' Andy Martin, raced to a resounding victory on a challenging day when all others fell by the wayside (including, sadly, the defending champions). Fresh from her trophy drinking abstinence of the night before, Chlöe's freshness on the day, coupled with the Maori Mauler's powerful big hitting, made for a winning combination and they looked comfortable the whole way round. Chlöe again abstained from drinking from the trophy for a second night running, but has agreed to a mid-year handover session during which she has promised to down the contents of both trophies. Well done to both players on a much deserved victory.

 

CHLÖE STELLINI WINS OPEN ON LONG AWAITED RETURN TO TOUR  (20.09.2019)

It is only fair to say that a number of Elie members sitting on the terrace of the clubhouse could be heard tutting in disbelief as Chlöe Stellini, making her much awaited return to the tour, turned up at their club barefooted and looking, let's be honest, a little bit like a gipsy... Whilst her wardrobe may have been a bit dodgy, her golf certainly was not and she blew away the rest of the field, including defending champion Andy Martin, to secure her first ever piece of Brown Jackets silverware by a three shot margin. Incidentally, for those who like a Hobbo-esque handicap controversy, that was exactly the number of shots she had managed to negotiate her handicap up by, apparently based on a lack of practice due to several years of having children. It's amazing the effort people go to in order to win their first Brown Jackets trophy...

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FINBAR SAUNDERS HONOURS DAVE DOLMAN DQ (29.08.2019)

In an extraordinary turn of events, Finbar Saunders today won the Saunton Handicapped Seniors' Open. Played over the magnificent East course over the last week or so, the final was a gruelling affair, finishing on the 17th green after almost 4 ½ hours... [Slow play police please note!] Finbar was awarded a tin frisbee as a memento of his victory, much to the clear amusement of his opponent in the final (see photo to right). Congratulations must go to Finbar for achieving a feat that even Billy couldn't do whilst 'borrowing' his Dad's handicap of 28. And I'm sure the BJs handicap committee will enjoy taking this latest victory into consideration when it meets next month.

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LATE ENTRIES BOOST NUMBERS TO THE 'PERFECT' 16 (29.08.2019)

Keeping us guessing all the way, two new late entry requests have just been received from none other than Kezza The Lezza and Chloe Stellini (formerly Hill). Whilst the former's lifestyle in the south of France has left her feeling slightly 'frazzled' (plus she is keen to get away from Baggio for a  few days), the latter simply felt it was unfair to leave the Baby Faced Assassin as the only person on tour (other than Barry) never to have won anything... They are warmly welcomed back and will, of course, be clapped in to rapturous applause in the traditional manner. Also note that it is Kezza's birthday on the Thursday of the tour, so usual birthday shenanigans are to be expected.

 

THE MAN WHO PLAYS IN THE DARK ... IS STILL PLAYING IN THE DARK (19.06.2019)

Despite the fact that it proved totally fruitless in the run up to the 2018 tour, The Man Who Plays in the Dark (aka El Mel, the 2016 Masters Champion) continues to conduct extended pre-dawn practice sessions in the dark at Mitcham Golf Course. Last Saturday saw him rise at 4.55am for a 5.30am tee-off time and he was back home comfortably in time for supper. Rumours also abound that he is undergoing an intensive 10 lesson programme at 'Jurassic Encounter Adventure Golf' (aka 'Dino Golf') on the A3. A lesson to us all, this man's desire for self-improvement burns as bright as ever, as does his monthly bill for golf balls.

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BILLY EMBARKS ON NOVEL TRAINING TECHNIQUE (18.06.2019)

In an attempt to defend his title, Billy has embarked upon a very novel training technique of not playing any golf at all between holing the winning putt in 2018 and teeing it up on tour in 2019. Whether or not it will pay off remains to be seen, but never bet against a man who turns up on the first tee saying he hasn't played for a year...

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NO BIRDS... REALLY? (16.06.2019)

There was at one point a very high chance that 2019 might be the first all male tour for many years (in fact, has there ever been one??), apparently due to both Finbar Saunders and Citron having tied the knot since the 2018 tour (although not to each other). However, tour stalwart and BJ legend (according to Jack Nicklaus) Wappy Wapster will be making a most welcome, and much anticipated, return after an absence of four (or possibly five?) years.

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2018 REALLY WAS BILLY'S YEAR... (15.06.2019)

Such was the shock (and relief) surrounding Billy's victory in 2019, alongside BJs stalwart 'Dangerous' Dave, that it has taken almost nine months for the organisers of this website to update it... No longer will every year be referred to in advance as "Billy's Year" and hopefully we'll never have to go back to Dorset again either (although, to give Billy his due, the courses weren't too bad). Another knobbed tee shot from Billy, another mid-chalice chunder and snapped golf club from Dave and plenty of blue rinse in Bournemouth made for a memorable few days. But most of all, congratulations to Billy for getting that monkey off his back... finally!

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UNUSUAL TRAINING REGIME FOR DEFENDING CHAMPIONS (10.09.2018)

In an attempt to become the first ever winners of the Masters successfully to defend their title, 2017 winners Andy 'The Statue Martin' and Clive 'Both Ways' Emery have been spotted training together in the hot tub at the Harbour Club. Whilst the exact nature of their training techniques remains a closely-guarded secret, startled onlookers described it as "unconventional", with some choosing to shield their children's eyes.

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EL MEL PRACTISING FURIOUSLY IN THE DARK (04.07.2018)

It has been reported that the 2016 Masters Champion, El Mel, has been conducting extended pre-dawn practice sessions in the dark at Mitcham Golf Course. This new and somewhat peculiar practice regime was discovered by current Masters Champion Clive 'Both Ways' Emery who bumped into El Mel at The Harbour Club at 8.30am on a Saturday morning only to discover that El Mel had already played 18 holes that morning! This burning desire for self-improvement follows on from his first ever sub-80 round last July and shows his new-found love for the game after his shock victory in 2016. It appears that excellent progress has been made, with his total bill for golf balls in the first 6 months of 2018 coming in at well under the £1,000 mark. Now that he has been released from the shackles of having to carry round Bangkok Julio for two years running, those in the low pot will be crossing their fingers that they are lucky enough to be drawn with 'The Man Who Plays in the Dark'.

 

DEFENDING CHAMPION ANDY MARTIN NO LONGER SET IN STONE (02.07.2018)

After extensive counselling, Andy 'The Statue' Martin has managed to reduce his pre-shot routine to a meagre (by his standards) 47 seconds. Whilst still a long way off the 20 second time limit introduced by the Committee in 2017 (and subsequently copied by the R&A), it is a remarkable achievement for a man who mistakenly modelled himself on 'Never Won The Open' Scumbaggio Beaumont and has been known to stand quite motionless over the ball for up to 2 minutes. Some say he has as many as 6,000 swing thoughts that need to be processed before each shot, which makes this recent achievement (and his victory in 2017) all the more remarkable. Just what did Clive 'Both Ways' Emery do to him in that hot tub...?!

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EL MEL BREAKS 80 (15.06.2017)

The rumours circulating in February that current Masters Champion, El Mel, was about to hang up his clubs for good were proven to be unfounded when keen observers spotted him playing at Mitcham Golf Course. He also made the mistake of telling a member of Brown Jackets handicap committee that he had shot 79 (yes, for all 18 holes). However, usual service was resumed last night at Royal Wimbledon Golf Club when he ran out of golf balls by the 10th hole - how careless of him only to have brought 10 balls with him!

 

BROWN JACKETS CONFIRMS ITS STATUS IN WORLD GOLF! (02.03.2017)

After extensive consultation with the Brown Jackets Committee, the R&A and USGA will, with effect from 1 January 2019, be adopting many of the new rules already introduced by the Brown Jackets with a view to combatting slow play. Finbar Saunders, who has been campaigning for such changes full time since giving up his job and retiring to the French Alps in 2015, welcomed the news and described it as "fulfilling a lifelong ambition". He added, "I've always taken the view that a quick game is a good game, which is why I never take more than 17 practice swings on each shot". Other tour members shared Finbar's enthusiasm, but for different reasons; Billy the Whiz and El Mel both calculated that the reduction from 5 to 3 minutes of the time limit for ball searching would knock at least half an hour of the length off their round - more time to spend in the bar!

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NOBODY TELLS SAUNDERS WHAT TO DO (OR WHERE TO GO)! (07.02.2017)

Despite early murmurings of a return to Le Touquet, the venue of the infamous 2004 tour that nobody can remember (except for Yan going to bed with a small 'buoy, current Masters Champion El Mel clearing up Saunders' 'mess' and Billy growing a blue moustache), a decision was made over a plate of spicy chicken wings at a specially convened 'original' members' meeting (comprising the original Bristol Rugby Club and Methley Street members) that there are still one or two worthy venues to be explored before we start recycling previous ones. Yorkshire was the intended venue for the 2016 tour, but was scrapped due to a lack of course availability on the Saturday. However, Ganton, one of the finest courses in the land, has welcomed us with open arms this year, having penned a handwritten letter to the committee saying that it would be an honour for them to host such a prestigious event. They have also asked for a signed photograph of the current Masters Champions.

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RUMOURS SURFACE OF EL MEL RETIREMENT FOLLOWING 2016 TRIUMPH (06.02.2017)

It has been reported in the Wandsworth Gazette that current Masters Champion, El Mel, may be about to hang up his clubs for good. "There is not a hope in hell of me ever repeating the same feat as I did last year, so why subject myself to another 20 years of misery", he is reported to have told a local coffee shop owner. Fellow Brown Jacket members have rallied in support of his continued involvement, with one commenting "Who is going to be our inaugural starter if Billy doesn't turn up?"

 

EL MEL CARRIES BANGKOK JULIO TO 'SHOCK' MASTERS WIN! (17.09.2016)

Tour stalwart and lifelong legend El Mel finally broke his tour duck - and played his first ever round of golf without losing a ball - to win the Masters at Rosses Point, County Sligo. Partnered by the ever capable Bangkok Julio - who nearly pulled out of the tour a few days before it started due to a bad back - El Mel, off a new tour handicap of 32, played the round of his life to secure victory for him and Bangkok with 43 points on a testing course - one point more than the impressive pairing of Big Bad Barry and Alex 'No Balls' Alcott, the latter having agonisingly three putted the 18th. Having been promoted to inaugural starter due to the absence of Billy 'The Whizz' Dolman, El Mel snowed no sign of nerves as he smashed his opening drive down the 1st hole and never looked back. Celebrations ran long into the night and early hours of Sunday morning as El Mel lapped up the adulation of adoring fans on a whilstestop tour of Sligo's kebab shops. Congratulations to both El Mel and Bangkok Julio on a well-earned victory.

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ELEPHANT WRESTLER BLOWS AWAY FIELD IN THE OPEN CHAMPIONSHIP (16.09.2016)

In a fine display of precision strokeplay, Neil 'The Elephant Wrester' Hobson, continued his winning form from last year to secure the Open Championshup with a winning score of 38 points, 5 points clear of his nearest rival. Despite the possibility of a stewards' enquiry due to post-round allegations of an incorrectly declared handicap, the man also known as 'The Panther', who now plays off scratch at Royal Mid Surrey, was awarded the trophy and became only the second member to hold both trophies at once (albeit for only 24 hours!). Congratulations on the 'Hobbo Slam'!

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ETHICS DAVE FORCIBLY EJECTED FROM SLIGO NIGHTCLUB (16.09.2016)

It was with a certain amount of surprise that several tour members witnessed Ethics Dave being forcibly ejected by a bouncer from Sligo's premier nightspot, the Garavogue Bar, for supposedly fighting with other tour members. They were even more surprised when he bounced back onto the dancefloor 10 minutes later, only to be removed once again by the same bouncer.

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SHOCK WITHDRAWAL OF BILLY WHIZ AND THE AUTOMOTON (13.09.2016)

At 4pm BST, the shock announcment began to circulate that two of this year's leading contenders, Billy 'The Whizz' Dolman and Paddy 'The Automoton' Rollerkoster bin Koster have had to withdraw due to "3 deals which are aiming to sign [this] week/weekend" (Billy) and "the timetable on my main deal [being] put back a week" (Paddy). Whilst others may, after the 2016 tour ends, be heading to the practice ground in anticipation of 2017, Billy and Paddy have been signed up for lessons in the art of delegation. But fear not, 2017 really will be Billy's year...

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BILLY UNSEATS JOCKEY AT SANDOWN! (10.09.2016)

In an attempt to break his BJs duck and ensure that his opening drive at Rosses Point passes without incident, tour legend Billy 'The Whizz' Dolman has been spotted practising hard at one of the three 9-hole courses next to Sandown racetrack. Unfortunately, an errant shot from Billy flew backwards onto the racetrack and unseated jockey Kieren Fox who fell from his horse, Luxford, when it was distracted by the stray ball after it bounced off the helmet of another rider. Luckily, both rider and mount escaped unhurt.

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BROWN JACKET EARNS BA EXECUTIVE CLUB MEMBERSHIP (07.09.2016)

The Brown Jacket awarded to Neil Hobson , last year's winner of the Brown Jacket Masters (together with US Chris II), has recently been awarded its own BA Executive Club membership after extensive travels to Austria, South Africa, Mauritius, the USA, Spain and Portugal. With 200 tier points already, an upgrade to bronze membership looks likely...

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FURTHER WITHDRAWLS... (15.08.2016)

Following the shock withdrawl of 2013 Champion The Wapster, both new 'rockie' Anne Partenet and Clive 'I swing both ways' Emery AC/DC have also announced that they will not be taking part in this year's event. Let's hope Anne - who had a genuine work-related excuse - can make it next year. As for Clive, he had some better mates he wanted to hang out with by a pool somewhere...

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SHOCK WITHDRAWL OF 2013 CHAMPION (28.06.2016)

Vix Uren, aka 'The Wapster', has sadly had to withdraw from the 2016 tour due to a flight schedule change by Flybe which prevents her from arriving in time for Friday's golf. A stalwart of many memorable tours, she will be sorely missed.

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PAROLIE RETURNS TO DEFEND TITLE (23.06.2016)

Chris Parolie, 2015 'rockie' and winner of the Brown Jacket Masters (together with the Hobbit), has announced that he will be returning to Europe in September to defend his title.